I need some fun. By this I mean that I need to leave the normal routine and do something without a timed schedule or restrictions. I love to be spontaneous! Throw everything out the window and take off. This friday I intend on being spontaneous. I know I can't "plan" to be "spontaneous" on friday but I'm throwing responsibilities out the window and the kids and I are going to have some fun. Since the kids don't love the traditional blue background school pictures we decided not to buy them this year. We're going on Cedar Mountain to take our own. I'm not a professional and don't have the high-tech camera but we're going to give it a shot. The purpose is to have a good time, relax and hopefully get a good shot of each of the kids at some point.My kids need to be kids. Rob and I ask them to do their own laundry once a week, get good grades and clean their rooms daily. Occasionally I ask for some help with the dishes or other housework but it's not a daily occurrence. I've made a conscious decision that they need some down time after school. They're all involved in activities that take up a lot of free time after school. I think they need time to play and be kids instead of filling that time with more work. But as I've come to this conclusion I've realized that the extra housework falls on my shoulders. I can deal with a little more work now that my mind is a little clearer on the purpose of not requiring help from kids. As I told the kids why I don't ask much extra work for them, they understood the importance of doing the little I do ask. It was probably the first time I've vocalized that to Rob also.
I need more ME time. When I get caught up working around the house
and running kids around I lose my down time. I'm going to take time to get a coke...ALONE. Run to the store...ALONE.Go to the bathroom...ALONE. I might even paint my nails, watch a documentary, or just sit on the couch. I'm tired of taking time to relax after everyone, including Rob, is asleep. I don't get to sleep until about 3am and it's no wonder that I want to sleep in till 11. It won't be drastic or lengthy just a few moments to recharge. I'm going to find a new project. Maybe paint another room or start building a headboard for Rob and I's bed. Something to use my talents and a distraction from responsibility.
I need to let things go. If someone else isn't willing to work on it then I can't make them(as much as I think they should). This is the control part of my obsessive personality. I'm not going to remind, encourage or ask if no one else cares. My dad always said "Only worry about the things that you can control." As much as it irritates the crud out of me, I'm done working on other peoples problems. This is a hard one but has eliminated a lot of stress so far.
I'm not a rock. I'm a feminine ball of emotional jello. I've been thinking that if I just hold on things will get better and easier. I've been holding onto that last little thread for quite a while. Well, I let go and the world didn't fall apart. Tonight my kids saw me cry and it didn't scar them for life (hopefully). Today I did the best I could, I made mistakes, apologized for them and tried again. I don't have to be the rock that holds everything together all the time. It's ok if my kids aren't always content and happy. It's better if they aren't. And sometimes it's ok for them to see that mama's have feelings too. I'm so grateful for my husband who had a parenting genius moment today. He balances me and is a great dad. I needed him today and he was amazing.
I miss my daddy. The fall season is hard because of his sharp decline in health and death at the beginning of Nov. But also because it's the season for sports and he's not here to watch, talk and enjoy them with. He's not physically here to watch Kason be quarterback for his team. He's not here to give Dallon a high-five after his game with 4 sacks. He's not here to give AJ a "wow" as he does front flips on the grass. He's not here to give carnations to the girls after their dance review as he did my sisters and I. My dad may have been an incredible athlete but he knew all his dance terminology and could do many of the moves. I'm past being angry but I miss his hugs and his smell.
I'm a lucky girl and am thankful for all my blessings and gifts. There are many times that I hope my shortcomings and weaknesses can be filled by the Spirit and my Father in Heaven. I depend on Him to lead me and occasionally smack me with a spiritual 2x4. Sure, there are things I want but I'm grateful for what I have. Sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, I'm not as good as so-and-so, and get down on myself. These are the times that I need to remember that I'm good enough for Rob. I'm good enough for my family, kids and friends. I'm good enough and loved enough that my Savior died for me as I would for many I know. He thinks I matter, a lot. 
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