I'm tired because...?

I asked Rob if he could recollect anything I had done these past few days that would have made my biceps sore. He gave me that "you've got to be kidding" look and sweetly reminded me of the load of wood we gathered yesterday. My response, "Oh, ya." When we get wood we've settled into a routine. He cuts the wood. I haul the wood, often reminding him to cut wife sized logs.
As I've finally relaxed and am headed to bed I realize it's once again 2 a.m. I've come to the conclusion that I keep weird hours. And until I manage to add a few more hours into the day I'll probably continue to go to bed at 2. It also occurred to me that I'm tired because my work day didn't end until way after midnight. (Those extra hours will help my workday end sooner.) I'll give you a peak into today's workday, it's been a long one.
Since my kids like to be woken up and won't use alarm clocks I'm up at 7:10 a.m. Yes, I realize that's not early but waking before 9 is a sin in my world. Hm, probably because I've only been asleep for 4 hours. The kids are on the bus by 7:45, dogs brought back into the house and I jump back in bed by 8:30. My next alarm clock is the bus rolling to a stop in front of the house bringing Colten home around 11:30. Total sleep time= 7 hours.
Today Rob, Colten and I made a quick trip into St. George for an ENORMOUS WalMart run. Once a month Rob and I replenish the food storage and try to add a little to it. It's convenient to do regular grocery shopping during the same trip. It takes me 45 minutes to make and revise the food storage/grocery list. We've also settled into a routine as we shop. I fill the cart, he gets me an empty one. Rob checks out with the full cart as I fill another one. We continue our pattern until everything on the list has been checked off. We managed three carts today! Poor Colten was a little cramped on the way home as he had to share half the back seat with groceries. The kids were home from school by the time we got back. Hooray for more help unloading groceries!
Now the chaos truly begins. By the time the car was unloaded it was almost 5 p.m. Dallon had football practice at 5:30. Kason had scouts at 5:30. Bethany wanted to play with her friend. AJ was dying to try out his new Xbox game. Kim was willing to ride her bike down to the park with Dal to practice. I think Colten was glad to be free. The dinner menu tonight consisted of frozen pizza due to the fact that I had other plans.
I turned on the oven so I could heat the bottles of applesauce and apple butter that had been previously made and stored in the fridge. There were 5 (1/2 gallon) bottles of homemade applesauce and 9 (pint) bottles of apple butter to heat and process. I also had a mound (small mountain) of tomatoes on my kitchen table that were in desperate need of attention. As the tomatoes are being prepared for a homemade steak sauce, the other bottles are being processed, I looked at the clock and shook my head. I WAS A TERRIBLE MOTHER!!! It was 6:30 and I had forgotten to take AJ to gymnastics. In my canning bliss I had completely forgotten to watch the time. I'm going to have to beg forgiveness from AJ and his gym teacher. I'm still having guilt.
Rob, being the sweet husband he his, told me I ought to start setting more alarms. Ya, thanks honey. :)
A few more bottles were being processed, the steak sauce was started and boiling down and kids were returning home. I returned home from picking Dal up from practice (7:20) and Rob had a truck load of wood to be unloaded. Many hands make light work and it was done in a flash. Since all of the bottles were now out of the oven I could start dinner. We threw in the first pizza and I took AJ, Kason, Colten, Beth and Kim for a run.
Kason, Rob and I are going to run a half-marathon with my mom and sisters in January. There is a 5K that my kids want to run. Because Kason, Rob and I have started to do a little running everyone else thinks they need to run too. I've been promising that we'd go on a mile jog so go we did. It ended up being a run/walk with a lot of stress on my part. There was only 1 fit, 3 stern moments and a few tears but we made it a whole mile. The 5K training has ended until January. My poor sanity can't handle it.
It's now 8 p.m. I'm making sure kids are showered. Rob is handling reading time. Pizzas are being rotated in and out of the oven as they're cooked. Homework is being finished and reading logs signed. By 9:00 the sauce is moved to a better pot, all bottles have been processed, backpacks are ready for tomorrow and we're settling the kids in the living room. Wait, things are still a mess. Quick cleaning time and we're back on track. 9:15 scripture reading. This sparks a good conversation but turns to talking about Grandpa Hod. Tears are shed on my part. All kids were sent to brush their teeth and get in bed. We only had one argument tonight so it was relatively smooth. By the time it's quiet it's 10 p.m.
I need a coke. Rob and I go into town to acquire my sanity beverage, a nice large Diet Coke. When we return home we measure out the last ingredients for the sauce and pick up the kitchen. Rob is getting ready to head to bed so we get in some much needed snuggle time. It's 11:30 and the sauce probably has about a half hour left. I didn't want to leave it on the stove all night so I tidied up and adjusted the seasonings. Around midnight it was looking and tasting pretty good. I got it into jars, put them in the fridge and finished wiping down the kitchen. 12:40 a.m. and my work day is complete.
Have you ever tried to jump into bed after walking in the door from work? Doesn't work so well. I personally need some down time. I tucked the kids and dogs in bed and hopped in the bath. A nice hot bath, add in some pine nuts and watching Dancing With the Stars is a recipe for relaxation.
Here's where the insomnia part comes in. I'm relaxed, lying in bed, and I got nothin. I can't sleep. So here I sit at 3:30 in the morning blabbering on my blog hoping to see a glimpse of sleepiness. I'm hoping to readjust my work day and bedtime in the next week. I'd love to be in bed by 10 but let's be real, it's not going to happen, so midnight is my goal. But until then, at least I know why I'm so tired.

I love this guy!

Isn't he cute hanging out with his dog?

Insomnia = Tough Subjects

When I don't sleep, which is more frequently than I'd like, tough subjects run around in my head. Everyone has had one bad moment in their life but it's how we choose to deal with it that makes all the difference. I'm not ashamed to admit that I've been to therapy, more than once. It's a great tool to help us deal with issues that we can't seem to think outside our box on. Sometimes it takes another perspective on our thoughts to broaden our thinking and find a solution and forgiveness.
As I lay is bed I'm able to think about sensitive subjects without intense emotion and come to clearer thoughts. I would love to take my personal experiences and talk about them openly with groups to educate. I'd talk with health classes on the effects of anorexia, young women on the subject of date rape, groups of people on dealing with depression/anxiety, women on abusive relationships and anyone who will listen about how the Savior has helped thru all of these ordeals.
This sounds a little depressing but by dwelling on these subjects I have a clearer understanding of my position and a healthier outlook on them. I can feel the atonement continuing to take effect on my life and lighten the burden of sadness. I lay next to my husband and feel grateful that he's supportive (although jealous he's asleep) and I can talk openly to him. Rob isn't judgemental. He loves me for who I am.
What do you think about late at night? What do you do when you can't sleep? Like my cousin said, we'd like to find the relative who passed on the insomnia and see if we could trade it for something else.

They are my kids

I just read an article on adoption etiquette. Not only are some people insensitive about adoption but they're also insensitive about "step" parenting.

One of the things that people say the most is "Which ones are your real kids?"

There are days I want to respond with: "Well, can't you tell which ones are the plastic kids and real kids? I feed the real ones real food and the fake ones plastic food."

Of course I don't but I politely respond with a comment abouthow they're my kids but I only gave birth to 3 of them.

I had an awkward experience with this at WalMart the other weekend. I was finishing up some shopping and happened to walk by a lady I've known for a very long time but don't see frequently. As usual I had my 6 kids in tow. After a brief hello I was asked if they were ALL my kids. I put on a big smile, answered yes and they're so much fun. This is where it got awkward.

When Rob and I got married our kids ages interlocked. Kason 12, Kim 11(almost), Dallon 10, Bethany 9, AJ 8 and Colten 6. Kim and Dallon are actually about 7 months apart. I've gotten tired of explaining our family every time someone asks about my kids. Frankly, it's none of their business how our family works. I feed them, love them, and care for all of them on a daily basis. Therefore, they're all mine. Ok, back to my story.

This woman, who truly is a great person, gave me the most horrified look! In the look she had insinuated I had been quite the baby factory. I could tell she was curious and baffled at my lack of explaination. I left her there and went on my merry way with my children.

What I think people fail to realize is that we're not all traditional families. Some are blended kids and some are adopted. Either way, we're a family, just like yours. At home we don't remind the kids that they're not ours or "real". It's the people that ask inappropriate questions that tell our kids they don't fit. I know my kids fit, in my heart.

On the flip side, there are times that people recognize us as a family. My sweet visiting teacher noticed my daughter walking down the school hall and commented on it. She said that my daughter and I have the same spring in our step and our hair swings the same way. She could tell she belongs to me. This made my heart swell! She was really surprised when I mentioned that my daughter wasn't biologically mine. I didn't mind explaining to her. It warmed my heart that she didn't question my love or the fact that my daughter is mine even if we don't share the same DNA.

Adoption is an act of love on all parts. The parents showed unmeasurable love for the child by allowing another set of people to be active parents. Step parenting isn't any different and is as rewarding as any other form of parenting. As a good woman once mentioned...I'm not a "step" parent, I'm a BONUS parent.

Jumbled Thoughts

As I sit here awake with a puking...no not kid...dog, I have time to sort out my jumbled thoughts that have been giving me anxiety. I'm a little more on the Obsessive Compulsive side and when things aren't in order I get a little freaked out. When I get freaked out I don't sleep well, don't eat well and am overly emotional. This can cause a little disturbance in my normal routine. This is what I've come up with:

I need some fun. By this I mean that I need to leave the normal routine and do something without a timed schedule or restrictions. I love to be spontaneous! Throw everything out the window and take off. This friday I intend on being spontaneous. I know I can't "plan" to be "spontaneous" on friday but I'm throwing responsibilities out the window and the kids and I are going to have some fun. Since the kids don't love the traditional blue background school pictures we decided not to buy them this year. We're going on Cedar Mountain to take our own. I'm not a professional and don't have the high-tech camera but we're going to give it a shot. The purpose is to have a good time, relax and hopefully get a good shot of each of the kids at some point.

My kids need to be kids. Rob and I ask them to do their own laundry once a week, get good grades and clean their rooms daily. Occasionally I ask for some help with the dishes or other housework but it's not a daily occurrence. I've made a conscious decision that they need some down time after school. They're all involved in activities that take up a lot of free time after school. I think they need time to play and be kids instead of filling that time with more work. But as I've come to this conclusion I've realized that the extra housework falls on my shoulders. I can deal with a little more work now that my mind is a little clearer on the purpose of not requiring help from kids. As I told the kids why I don't ask much extra work for them, they understood the importance of doing the little I do ask. It was probably the first time I've vocalized that to Rob also.

I need more ME time. When I get caught up working around the house

and running kids around I lose my down time. I'm going to take time to get a coke...ALONE. Run to the store...ALONE.Go to the bathroom...ALONE. I might even paint my nails, watch a documentary, or just sit on the couch. I'm tired of taking time to relax after everyone, including Rob, is asleep. I don't get to sleep until about 3am and it's no wonder that I want to sleep in till 11. It won't be drastic or lengthy just a few moments to recharge. I'm going to find a new project. Maybe paint another room or start building a headboard for Rob and I's bed. Something to use my talents and a distraction from responsibility.

I need to let things go. If someone else isn't willing to work on it then I can't make them(as much as I think they should). This is the control part of my obsessive personality. I'm not going to remind, encourage or ask if no one else cares. My dad always said "Only worry about the things that you can control." As much as it irritates the crud out of me, I'm done working on other peoples problems. This is a hard one but has eliminated a lot of stress so far.

I'm not a rock. I'm a feminine ball of emotional jello. I've been thinking that if I just hold on things will get better and easier. I've been holding onto that last little thread for quite a while. Well, I let go and the world didn't fall apart. Tonight my kids saw me cry and it didn't scar them for life (hopefully). Today I did the best I could, I made mistakes, apologized for them and tried again. I don't have to be the rock that holds everything together all the time. It's ok if my kids aren't always content and happy. It's better if they aren't. And sometimes it's ok for them to see that mama's have feelings too. I'm so grateful for my husband who had a parenting genius moment today. He balances me and is a great dad. I needed him today and he was amazing.

I miss my daddy. The fall season is hard because of his sharp decline in health and death at the beginning of Nov. But also because it's the season for sports and he's not here to watch, talk and enjoy them with. He's not physically here to watch Kason be quarterback for his team. He's not here to give Dallon a high-five after his game with 4 sacks. He's not here to give AJ a "wow" as he does front flips on the grass. He's not here to give carnations to the girls after their dance review as he did my sisters and I. My dad may have been an incredible athlete but he knew all his dance terminology and could do many of the moves. I'm past being angry but I miss his hugs and his smell.

I'm a lucky girl and am thankful for all my blessings and gifts. There are many times that I hope my shortcomings and weaknesses can be filled by the Spirit and my Father in Heaven. I depend on Him to lead me and occasionally smack me with a spiritual 2x4. Sure, there are things I want but I'm grateful for what I have. Sometimes I feel like I don't measure up, I'm not as good as so-and-so, and get down on myself. These are the times that I need to remember that I'm good enough for Rob. I'm good enough for my family, kids and friends. I'm good enough and loved enough that my Savior died for me as I would for many I know. He thinks I matter, a lot.

Good Intentions Don't Help Overwhelmed

There are so many things that I "intend" to do. Yes, they're on the to-do list but seem to get transferred to the next to-do list. Most days I'm trying to keep up let alone get to the extra things I'd like to do.
I'm grateful there are men/women that are willing to coach my kids teams. Scout leaders that watch out and help my sons get their badges. Teachers that help my children push themselves and succeed. As for me, I'm glad everyone is in bed and it's finally quiet.
As I look around my house there are so many veggies(also known as my green things) that have taken over my kitchen table that I need to tend to. Bags of clothes that need to be taken to the thrift store and donated. Laundry bins of the boys clothes that they need to be motivated to fold and put away. It goes on and on from there with dishes, dusty shelves and floors that desperately need to be mopped. Although, I did get my droopy plant watered and it's looking much more perky.
Most days I don't have the energy or desire to clean for hours on end. After the kids get home from school I end up spending most of the time in my car driving kids to and from various activities while cooking dinner in the spare moments. By 8pm it's time to make sure everyone has eaten, all homework has been corrected, kids showered, reading time, tying up loose ends with the kids, scripture and prayer. All accomplished by 9:00 bedtime 9:15 lights out. My kids should probably be in bed by 8 but I never get it all done to send them to bed at 8.
That leaves the morning when Colten is in Kindergarten, after lunch before the kids get home at 3 or late at night when they're all in bed. Since I'm a terrible morning person (think trying to take steak away from a hungry bear) that time is ruled out. I absolutely love going back to bed and sleeping in for a while. Add a diet coke on that and you get a happy mom. Some things I do get done in the afternoon like feeding/watering the chickens, picking my green things, running to the store. That doesn't leave hours for cleaning the house. Now all I'm left with is cleaning late into the night. I don't mind cleaning late at night. But by the time the kids are put to bed, leftovers are in the fridge and living room floor is picked up it's after 10pm. I'm EXHAUSTED!
These next 2 days I have already given my kids a heads up that mama is cleaning. I'm throwing crap away. The clutter is leaving my home. The kids are on their own for dinner cuz cleaning is my focus. I'll probably work myself into the ground and sleep all day Sunday but darn it, my house won't drive my crazy anymore.
Maybe next week I'll be able to get around to doing things I've intended to do, like fix my broken freezer so we can put all the food back into it.

Boy oh Boy

There are some phrases that I'm positive my mom never said to us girls:

"There will be NO light sabers at the dinner table."

"We are not running wind-sprints in the livingroom."

"No, you may not take your sword to t-ball practice."

"Please take your cape off your head for family prayer."

"Yes, girls fart to but they don't think it's funny."

Raising kids can be a difficult job. Boys are much different than girls and need different parenting. Boys are rough and tough and very physical. Girls are more emotionally led.
My boys are fun and I try hard to raise them with an awareness of always trying to be a gentleman. Someone told me that a true gentleman isn't seen anymore. I beg to differ. I have 4 little gentlemen in my house. They carry groceries, open doors and offer assistance to other women in public. I true gentleman is taught by his mother, in my opinion. If I don't require them to treat me like a lady then how are they going to learn to treat other women? My boys are also expected to treat their sisters like ladies. And my daughters are in the process of learning how to be a lady.
I do have moments when I see my little gentlemen emerge without a little coaxing from mom. My daughter was getting ready for dance and was struggling with putting on her ballet skirt. One of my sons walked over to her and offered to help her put it on since he'd seen mom do it a hundred time. He walked her thru the process and proceeded to tie her ballet skirt on offering to help again. That's my gentleman in the making.